Information for parents

The school run can be a challenging time of day. Our clinicians share their top tips for parents on managing your child's emotional wellbeing needs for the start of the school day.

• Be prepared, logistically but also mentally and emotionally. Try to strike a balance between not thinking the worst will happen when you get to the school gate but having a plan for if you have a wobble.
• Reflect on your own levels of anxiety about the school run and separation. Practice managing this and gradually teach your child, with mindfulness and grounding techniques and practice helpful thoughts about what the reality/likelihood is about the rest of the day.
• Make the school run fun, play games or sing songs together.
• If you can possibly include exercise/physicality in the journey do – walking, scooting, cycling, even some star jumps before and after getting in the car to use up nervous energy, park further away from school to walk further if it is safe to do so.
• If your child has a special interest try and relate the journey or the goodbye to this i.e. role play.
• Have a prepared script for saying goodbye and stick to this. Invite your child to write their part. Don’t make it too long or drawn out. A short, simple, fun and loving ritual makes goodbye enjoyable and no big deal.
• If your child likes to have some control give them two choices of what you’ll do on the journey and on what kind of goodbye you’ll have. No more than two. Tell them the options if they are too anxious to think of ideas themselves.
• Make a time for worry time (talk time) after school for a limited time of 15 minutes every day, same time every day. This way if worries are brought up on route to school, before leaving the house or at bedtime as a way of stalling you can remind your child that you have worry time so you can make sure you can talk about it then.
• Work with the school if the drop off/goodbye is difficult. Perhaps make a plan together if necessary, could the same member of staff greet your child every morning and help them transition in.
• Books like The Invisible String are helpful for reading with children.

 There can be many reasons why a young person or child might become distressed. Triggers might include the environment, anxiety, frustration, and difficulties related to neurodiversity or behavioural challenges. It is key to remember ABC – All Behaviour is Communication.

Young people can struggle to communicate how they might feel or what they might be thinking, and this can lead to an escalation in displays of behaviour which might challenge. Often these behaviours come from an automatic brain response which can lead to the logical or thinking parts of the brain to shut off. The brain then offers three options to manage the distress: FIGHT, FLIGHT or FREEZE. When escalation happens, it is often due to the brain using one of these options to try and manage its distress. At this time, the young person will struggle to communicate their distress effectively and often complex thinking, such as reasoning and rationality, are effectively switched off.

Below we will offer some suggestions how to manage this escalation and give ideas on how to support a young person during this period. The key to managing these situations is to try and find out what the young person’s triggers might be by reflecting on times they have escalated. This can be done using the suggested ABC exercise at the bottom of this leaflet. This can be completed after the events and if repeatedly used, patterns of escalation and triggers can become apparent. 

Things you can do to help

• Position yourself parallel to the young person and try not to get too close or be within the personal space bubble (2 meters) during the escalation unless they request physical contact to reduce their distress. Use a neutral stance with palms open and hands resting at your waist. If they sit down, then you sit down as well to prevent overlooking them.

• When observing behaviour that challenges, pause to reflect on your own body language and tone of voice. 

• Call the young person by name. Do this before you start speaking to them, to ensure that they are ready to listen, know that what you are saying is relevant to them and don’t miss the first part of the instruction. 

• Calmly listen to their statement and repeat them back so they know you have heard them – “I can hear you’re upset about not being able to do …. at the moment”. Try to remain calm and use a neutral voice, resist escalation with the young person. You are not agreeing with them, you are just letting them know you have heard what they are saying. Try to empathise with the them when they are ready. 

• Reduce demands by offering choices: Give two choices, either of which would be acceptable to you —"Do you want to wear trainers or boots?” “Do you want to try to do your work now or in half an hour.” 

• Offer to support them with distractions – “Why don’t we go and do some colouring or play a game for a bit then we can talk about the thing that’s upsetting you”. This offers them a way out instead of them feeling they need to keep escalating. By doing this you are not rewarding them, but you will come back to the situation to discuss it later. But during this time, discussing the problem will not be possible due to the brain functioning of the young person. 

• Offer physical space options to help channel distress if possible, such as running in the garden/playground. If the young person has a personalised plan of techniques, use these if appropriate. 

• Provide a safe space for the young person to access when required (e.g., a quiet area, a supervised place to go to during unstructured times of the day or when they need a break from the classroom and are escalating). 

• Help guide the person to the space you have provided. If you begin to walk there, they are likely to follow. 

• Allow them time. It takes quite some time for the body to process the adrenaline that comes with escalation. Do not expect the young person to emotionally regulate for some time as at times this can take up to 40 minutes. Be patient and wait. 

• Remember to positively welcome them back to the activity at hand when they are ready to join you. 

Following Escalation

• Give time before discussing the situation. The young person will need time to allow their brain to begin logically thinking and processing again. 
• Reflect together on what happened. Use I instead of you – “I could see you felt angry” instead of “you got angry”. Ask the young person to give you suggestions on what could be done to help them next time. Teach grounding techniques: This provides self-soothing by encouraging the young person to notice the following senses: 5 things they can see, 4 things they can hear, 3 things they can touch, 2 things they can smell, 1 thing they can taste. 
• Agreeing non-negotiable boundaries: Providing clear reasons for specific boundaries and agreeing together when everyone is calm can help young people to adhere to them. These will vary for each young person but may include self-care and health and safety requirements. 
• Use ABC charts. On a piece of paper draw 3 columns; in the first column put what was happening before the escalation, where were they, who was with them, what were they doing, what were others doing, what did the environment look like. In the middle column put what happened during the escalation, but try not to use blaming language, keeping it as neutral as possible. In the last column put what happened afterwards, how did they calm down, what did you do that helped, what did they do that helped, what did others do that helped, where did they go etc. This exercise helps the young person recognise where things might have been different and provides a map for recognising triggers that might have caused the escalation so they can be avoided or done differently in future. 

Recommended books for parenting interventions

• Helping Your Child with Fears and Worries 2nd Edition: A Self-help Guide for Parents (2019) by Cathy Creswell and Lucy Willetts (for primary aged anxiety).

• The Incredible Years (2006) by Carolyn Webster-Stratton (for primary aged behaviour management)